272. Why You Keep Overachieving Even When You Know You're Exhausted - with Holly Beitel

Samantha Hawley (: 00:00

Welcome back to Beyond Awareness the podcast with episodes where we close the gap between knowing and doing I have fallen into this trap before and I think a lot of my listeners have too and it's where I've done the therapy. I've done the work, right? I've read the

I read read I read I read I read I read my my books, read read read my books, read books, read my books, read books, read

or just not feeling like ourselves no matter how successful we might look on paper or how other people perceive us. And so today we are questioning what if all of that isn't about our habits or our systems or even our routines? What if there's a story in our head that's running in the background that you don't even know is there and it's been quietly calling the shots the entire time?

That's what we're getting into. And I have Holly Vitell here with me to help us along. And she's helped over 4,000 women identify and rewrite those invisible stories that are silently sabotaging them, sabotaging us.

Holly (: 01:27

you

Samantha Hawley (: 01:29

developed something called the ARC method to actually do it, not just talk about it or inspire us. actually

helps us move through it. So welcome to the show, Holly. I am so glad that you are here.

Holly (: 01:44

Thank you, Samantha. I'm super excited to be with you.

Samantha Hawley (: 01:50

Amazing. So I know that your own story is what really led you to this work. So let's start off there. Can you share a little bit of your story with us?

Holly (: 02:02

Absolutely. I am one of those people that are a massive super overachiever. And I have in my adult life done all of the mindset work. I've done tons of therapy and I was always just focusing on trying to modify behaviors and find mindset hacks that would help me. And what I knew but had always dismissed

is that in the background was always running this story from my childhood. And most of these stories actually start in our childhood. And mine in particular was related to losing my mom at eight years old from cancer. And there are a couple, and it's not unusual, multiple stories or agreements or survival stories that I kind of fell into. But the one that's impacting, starting to impact

my work the most and the one that led to me discovering this method really centered around this agreement I made the day my mom passed away. had this very vivid memory. And here's a key, those memories aren't just the details of what happened. Like I can remember where I was sitting, what I was wearing, what was going on around me. And I can remember sitting in this brown velour chair

at my grandmother's house, many of us probably have an idea of what that brown velour chair looks like. Our grandmothers had them. I

Samantha Hawley (: 03:39

Yeah.

Holly (: 03:39

was sitting there with my five-year-old brother, and I can remember saying to him, you know what? We need to try to always be good because we wouldn't want mom to feel bad that she had to leave. And that doesn't sound like a bad survival story to create.

But what it did for me is it started this whole trajectory for my entire life where I hid my pain and I self-medicated through achievement and performance. And I had this survival story where I thought, if I just do the right thing, everything will work out. And that worked really well most of my life. But there was a particular situation where for the first time,

all my coping mechanisms and we all have them. For the first time, none of them worked. And I ended up in this deep, deep depression and just finally was so stuck that I sought help. And I did all the traditional therapy, but, and I know we're probably gonna talk more about this, but what finally caused the breakthrough for me is when I actually named that story,

and I re-narrated it and assigned new meaning to it. And from that point, like I actually, you can actually rewire your brain and you can create massive change. And that particular moment and that particular type of framework for me is what started most of my healing.

Samantha Hawley (: 05:21

That is such a powerful story. And I think when you said your agreement of we have to be good, I thought that was powerful. I got full body chills when you said that. I'm also the type of person that resonates with like the whole good girl energy and concept and whatnot. And so many

Holly (: 05:39

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Samantha Hawley (: 05:41

questions come up for me. think first, one, I'm going to ask two because I think one of these might come first when you're working with a client, but

How do you find your story? Because I think, yes, a lot of us can picture the brown chair, the velour sofa, right? But did you always know? Like when your therapist asked you that question where you're like, easy, that's what it was. Or did it take a while for you to be like, that's where it originated? And or was it the coping mechanisms that helped you get there, that made you understand, wait, there might be something

that is, like there might be a story to this.

Holly (: 06:25

Yeah, I would not say it was the coping mechanisms originally because for me that was just my go-to, right? And I thought that was just my personality. It was just a part of me. So that didn't necessarily tip me off. A tool that I use with my clients that I have found really effective at helping you figure out even to be curious and ask the question, is there a story here?

It's a kind of a free tool I give in my Breakthrough parties that I do and I call it the reaction meter so you're going through your day and Something happens and it's whatever it is. It's when that thing happens every single time You react at like a seven or an eight or a nine or off the charts where? Everyone else when that situation happens to them

They might react at a three or a four and it's like no big deal. Or even the opposite. A normal person, when that happens to them, they should react at a seven or an eight. But when it happens to you, maybe you react at a one or a two because, and this is really more my case, I learned to shut it all down, to act like everything was fine because I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting and I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

And so I have found working with people, even just that simple tool, even if you can't identify the story right away, if you can just be curious about what is happening here. And if you don't know what that story is, ask those people around you because they can tell you in a heartbeat, yeah, when this happens, you do this and I just can't even understand why you react that way. And just even being,

curious about it and considering, okay, is this the first time I've reacted this way? And it never is. If you can think, okay, when can I remember the first time this kind of reaction welled up in me? And that's usually a really good clue or hint of where that story might have started.

Samantha Hawley (: 08:49

That's really great advice. And I'm brought back to thinking of all of my clients and even myself, and I'm thinking you too, of when we realize that we are the overachiever or the person who's a little restless and just always growing their to-do list. And like that dangling carrot is just moving and moving and moving and we never stop to celebrate. We're just always going. And we know this about ourselves. We even say like, I'm,

the overachiever, I'm always doing him, I'm all in, or I'm the people pleaser, right? It's just who we are. We label that as our identity. And people pleaser is a little bit different, but like the overachiever almost, we get, we pat ourselves on the back and it's not viewed at first as something that's wrong with us. We view it as, look at me go. I even had a client recently.

who said that she tries to prove to herself and to others, like, look at how much I can do. I can do more than you. And so for people who are overachievers, what script is usually going on in their head that is likely invisible at this point? Like, what does that sound like in their head? Or story

Holly (: 10:08

Yeah, so.

Samantha Hawley (: 10:09

or agreement?

Holly (: 10:11

Yeah, and most often the statements themselves don't seem bad or dramatic, but it can sound like, and another clue often is absolute emphatic statements. Those are often clues, and I hear them in my clients with things like, if I don't stay in control, everything will fall apart.

It's all on me. My needs don't matter or I am too much and not enough all at the same time. And the success and the performance and the achievement is all awesome, but you know it's a problem when it's just the motivation behind it is just this insatiable drive.

And there's never a satisfaction, there's never a rest, there's never an enjoyment of what comes from all of that performance.

Samantha Hawley (: 11:22

So good. So before we get into your ARC method to actually process all of this, I'm curious, why doesn't awareness alone actually help shift the pattern? So once people know, I told myself that I need to be good. That's why I'm an overachiever, right? I told myself this story. Why do you think, especially with this podcast being Beyond Awareness,

Awareness seems so powerful, but why isn't that enough?

Holly (: 11:56

And to be clear, like awareness is the first step, right? And it is super, super powerful. But here's the tricky part. These stories and these memories, they don't just live in our brain. Like they are stored in our bodies, in our nervous system. So that's why a lot of times just simple awareness cognitively or talk therapy doesn't

quite go deep enough. If I were gonna give an example of kind of what it looks and feels like is, like if you think about that favorite song from when you were in high school, like you don't just remember the name of the song and who wrote it and the words, like you actually experienced the emotion of the song, like.

where you were, who you were with, the feelings it create. Like you actually have a nervous system and a body remembrance of that story versus just a cognitive awareness of it.

Samantha Hawley (: 13:05

Yeah, I'm picturing being on my ski club bus and I had a CD player. I can't remember the actual song, but I remember like songs playing. And I also remember that same CD player on a family trip. And I remember I was listening to Usher, that CD track the whole entire, it was like a two week trip. And I was just listening to Usher the whole

Holly (: 13:26

Nice.

Samantha Hawley (: 13:27

time. Yeah, it's like my body feels that. So I totally resonate. So how does your ARC method,

differ from traditional mindset work or therapy.

Holly (: 13:42

Sure. So with my ARC method, we start with actually trying to acknowledge the story because you can't change what you can't name, right? So we start with actually doing some things to actually pinpoint a story and name it. And then we go through a process to re-narrate it and attach new meaning to it.

And the way that I do this with my clients is by using really creative, like artistic type tools, predominantly one that I call a story rope. And the reason why I do this and the reason why it works so fast is because when you can engage both sides of the brain, right? So when we are talking and we're just.

telling a story, we're really only engaging one side of the brain. But when you can incorporate artistic type tools, prompts to engage multiple senses, you can engage both sides of the brain, you can engage multiple senses, and then you're actually able to kind of make the invisible visible. And what it does is it not just activates the memory,

but it engages the nervous system and the body sensations that go along with them. And neuroscience actually shows when you remember a story or whatever, that memory becomes pliable for a period of hours. And if you can attach new meaning to it, if you can quote re-narrate it, you actually gave your brain new material and you can, it's called memory reconsolidation.

to not get nerdy or science backed by it, which I love. But you can actually reconsolidate that story with new meaning and actually then the next time that situation comes up, your brain has new data to work with. And the more new data you give it, the more you're able to actually start to rewire your brain and your body has different reactions to it. And you can actually re narrate and change.

the meaning that story had.

Samantha Hawley (: 16:10

Hmm, that's so powerful. I love your examples too of the different tools that you use and how you use that to activate the nervous system in relation to the story. I've heard of like somatic exercises, but it sounds

Holly (: 16:27

Mm-hmm.

Samantha Hawley (: 16:28

like yours are a little bit different than typical somatic exercises. Could you give an example of a tool that like heightens your senses or a tool that you use in order to do that?

Holly (: 16:40

Yeah, so the primary tool and the one I love, the one that started my healing journey for me is called a story rope. And what we do is we use fabrics and ribbons and we start with like a three foot long kind of piece of fabric that we call a rope. And then you actually build your story with different pieces of fabric that you tie to it or ribbons and you get this visual representation.

of your story and it allows both sides of your brain, your whole body to experience your story in a way that you really can't do with just analytical talking about it. And we actually, I've worked with counselors with this particular tool and they all tell me that doing this work with this kind of tool can actually accomplish in a very, very short of time.

period of time, maybe even one event or, you know, I do a lot of three-day retreats, but over a very short period of time, what takes months, sometimes even years in traditional therapy.

Samantha Hawley (: 17:53

Wow, that's so powerful. When you first said story rope, I thought that's a really creative name for journaling and how to journal through something. So I love that that it's

Holly (: 18:03

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Samantha Hawley (: 18:06

tangible. Like it's literally something you can touch. And when you were explaining that too, I was thinking I would tie like knots in my rope. You know, like the gym class ropes where you could climb up it and there were knots, like benchmarks almost. I feel like that's how I would tie mine.

Holly (: 18:21

Absolutely.

Samantha Hawley (: 18:22

just having that physical reminder feels like, yeah, I can see how that would bring up your nervous system and then be able to re-narrate and create something new out of that. And we love nerdiness on this podcast. So it's really cool to learn the science behind it and how it actually makes your brain and your memories malleable and how you can change that. So interesting.

What did you say that the C was

Holly (: 18:50

I would add, and I would add...

Samantha Hawley (: 18:52

again in your arc? go ahead.

Holly (: 18:54

Yeah,

so the C is the clarity that comes from that and the actual calling and purpose that comes out of. So the truth is most of our gistings and most of the things that we have to bring to the world, those things that like we're passionate that we want to change the world about, most of them are born from the hurt and trauma in our own lives. And so

A lot of times you see great calling and purpose come out of being able to re-narrate those stories of hurt or trauma in your past.

Samantha Hawley (: 19:38

Is that like when they say, make your message?

Holly (: 19:42

Yep, making your pain, your platform, bringing, yes, 100%.

Samantha Hawley (: 19:48

Hmm. I love that. And then that's when you move into the clarity of you know what you can do with that once you're able to process that. And do you think that that's also why, I want to say overachievers especially, but a lot of women get to a certain point in their lives, like you can only go so far until you have to face this stuff. And then you feel like,

burnt out or you just you get to this place and you need like you feel like you need a pivot or like something needs to change or you're just not alive or fulfilled anymore and but you don't know what you want to do. Do you feel like this work applies to that?

Holly (: 20:36

Yeah, 100%. I feel like without the work, there's kind of this invisible ceiling, at least for me personally, and I see it in my clients, that you just keep bumping up against. And you have all the skills, you have all the experience, you have the right strategy, but there's just this ceiling you keep hitting. And if you aren't aware of it, the people around you

absolutely are. And a lot of times, just this realization that the things that matter to us the most that we feel like we're failing at, like that's what starts bringing out this imposter syndrome feeling. I mean, shame. I mean, the bottom line is a lot of times we feel shame. And so if we're not motivated to do it for ourselves, most of the time we are motivated to do it for those that we love.

And it's the clarity and the freedom that comes from naming and re-narrating the story that actually breaks that feeling and allows you to finally achieve what you really know deep down that you have all the pieces to and have just been so frustrated to not be able to break through to that next level yet.

Samantha Hawley (: 22:00

Yeah. That brings up a question for me, but before I ask that, I'm picturing the overachiever, just circling back to that person, because I think so many of my listeners are, and that was you, right? So an overachiever that comes to you and is going through this, and she's re-narrating, does she ever get stuck or revert back to old patterns? And or how hard is it to

go from this overachiever to, let's just say, like, peacefully pursuing her day. Because I think that the overachiever feels like, I call it peacefully pursuing her day, is like a 180. It's like whiplash almost. So how hard is it for you to get them to get to other side?

Holly (: 22:52

Yeah, so I call it unlearning the lie, right? So you can name the story, but that doesn't mean that your mind and your body have unlearned it yet. And so typically the first step forward after you've named and assigned new meaning to it is to come up even with just one or two simple steps that when that thought comes up, that circumstance comes up where, okay, here we go.

I'm about to just absolutely lose it and I'm on an eight or a nine out of 10 and I know I should be at a four. I'm gonna replace that thought pattern with a new one and this is what it is. And you're actually creating new pathways in the brain. And actually Samantha, this is where I think your work is super powerful moving on day to day because the journaling prompts, the journaling.

process that you do is one of those ways to keep going back and making the memory pliable and assigning that new meaning to it until those pathways are established in your brain.

Samantha Hawley (: 24:03

Hmm. I love that. Yeah. And it's the full body experience because you can tell your brain, I'm peacefully pursuing my day. I'm peacefully pursuing my day. I am this type of person. But yeah, if your body doesn't feel it, that's part of the disconnect. So your work, which it sounds like it also includes journaling, but also, yeah, the style of journaling that I do with it being more strategic gets your whole body and brain on board. So I love that.

When you get this clarity

Holly (: 24:34

Yeah, and

Samantha Hawley (: 24:35

and you discover your... go ahead.

Holly (: 24:40

just gonna add one more thing that makes this whole process super powerful and kind of ingrains it is when you're able to do it in community. Because there's, when you are able to have an empathetic listener that hears your story and doesn't turn their gaze away, right? Because we all have these stories and we think that someone else can't bear it

or they can't see it and I use the terminology, turn their gaze away from us. When you're actually able to have an empathetic listener and be able to share this story in community and see and hear them, not have it affect them the way it's affected you, it's a super powerful experience that helps your body have a new experience and your brain have a new experience.

to associate it with. So being able to go through the process where there's community around you as well is another part that makes it super powerful and helps accelerate the change.

Samantha Hawley (: 25:52

Yeah, I love that you mentioned that. Just recently I started local in-person networking events. the thing that I am noticing the most is how, first of all, real the conversations are. It's not like networking events where you share a struggle, but you try and frame it like it's actually something positive because you really want to get business and referrals from it. Women are actually sharing.

their pain points and the fact that they have way too much on their plate and they don't want it or they're not enjoying the process of running their business. And what's so powerful is that almost every other woman agrees. And when they agree, it's like it's not a big reaction. It's just like this is part of business and we're doing it together.

And we're all working through it together. It's not like, my gosh, you don't love your business or my gosh, why is your to do list so full? just community complaining, right? So yeah, love community is so helpful. And not like, she's complaining again, right? It's community when you're surrounded by the people that are going through something similar is like transformative. And I love that you said it.

like superpowers and expedites your growth. And when you said superpower, something that you say is that you can turn your kryptonite into your superpower. Can you walk us through what that means?

Holly (: 27:35

Yeah, absolutely. What I have found is that thing, like that story that has been sabotaging you your whole life, it actually is the thing that you have become passionate about wanting to change in the world, about not wanting other people to have to go through as well.

So for instance, in my own story, one of the things that was so difficult or that hindered me so much was that I hid my pain and I didn't let people see it. And so for years, no one really saw me or knew what was going on. Now, that's my own, I'm not saying I did that to myself, but what I have found as I have

gotten healing from that, I am absolutely passionate about seeing people and helping them realize their potential. And so the very thing that I struggled with has become the thing that I am so passionate about not letting other people have to experience. And so truly, that is what comes out in my work. I mean, I do a lot of business consulting.

I can help you grow an Instagram account or I can help you do social media or email marketing. But in my coaching, what always comes out is I end up sitting with someone and listening to their story and helping them realize that they can break through from that thing that's been sabotaging them.

Samantha Hawley (: 29:23

Yeah, that's beautiful. It makes me reflect back on the businesses that I've had and the different phases of it. And even the business that I have now, how it started was journaling still, but helping women through life transitions. And it was because I used strategic journaling, not like gratitude and affirmations, through my divorce.

Holly (: 29:49

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Samantha Hawley (: 29:50

And I was so passionate

about not letting things like divorce and career pivots and moving. I moved eight times in 10 years and these big life transitions

Holly (: 30:03

Wow.

Samantha Hawley (: 30:04

swallow up women, right? And so that's how my current business started. And then it's transformed into what it is today, which is more so helping moms that are at work that are like,

so consumed at work that are feeling so stressed and they don't want to bring that stress home to their kids. But it's because I then became a single mom and journaled through that. And I journaled through that overstimulation

Holly (: 30:28

Right?

Samantha Hawley (: 30:29

and how awful that felt. So yeah, I love that. And I love that your work helps people realize that because when you're in the pain of, and the feeling of your own pain.

It's so hard to see the other side and it's even harder to realize someday you're going to help someone with this. We can see it, I think as coaches, but when you're in that thick of it, it's hard to make that connection. So just having that light at the end of the tunnel that you'll not only get to the other side, but be inspired at the other side, right? And like have an impact on the other side and have a path and direction on the other side is just like incredible.

So, amazing, amazing work that you're doing. I would love to hear more about your breakthrough parties because I know that's something that you run and it's a community thing as well, right?

Holly (: 31:26

Sure, yeah. So I actually do free breakthrough parties. And what I do during that particular event is I actually walk people through the tool I use, the reaction meter tool. And I actually walk them through some journaling type prompts that help them at least have a place to start.

So at least have a tool to start identifying and naming the story because honestly, that's half the battle. Once you bring it into the light, like it loses half its power just in that moment. So during the breakthrough party, we go through that process. you know, of course give them more information on my framework, the entire ARC method. And from that I have

half-day Zoom events that we can actually take one story and really just walk all the way through it. And then I do three-day in-person retreats that are, that go through the whole framework and are super powerful. But honestly, I'm loving these free events because people get huge ah-has in 90 minutes. Like I can help someone actually name a story in like 60 seconds using the reaction meter.

And then within 60 minutes, we can start to actually disarm that story in their life, which I love doing.

Samantha Hawley (: 33:04

That sounds so powerful, so amazing. So I will put the link for your breakthrough parties in this show notes. And where else can people find you if they want to keep learning from you?

Samantha Hawley (: 33:19

Amazing. I will put the link for that in the show notes. We actually just had a tech glitch and we lost Holly, unfortunately. So if anyone is interested in following her and continuing to learn from her, check out the show notes for links to find her on social media. And I will also include her website. And if this whole episode stirred up something for you, if you're sitting there listening and you're thinking something like,

I know I have a story or you know what your pattern is, but you don't know what to do with it now. Stay tuned for Thursday because that's when I'm dropping a strategic journaling episode with prompts designed to help you keep returning to that belief or to that pattern until it actually starts to shift. Because Holly's right, what she said earlier, awareness is the first step, but

It's not all of it. That's just the beginning. So we're not stopping there. We are going to help make a new belief stick through journaling. So thank you so much for being here today, and I will see you all on Thursday.