247. Journal With Me: What Feels Safe About Staying Stuck?

Samantha Hawley (: 00:00

Hello, welcome to Beyond Awareness and to today's strategic journaling session. Today, I want to talk about, and we're going to journal through, a pattern that I see often over and over in myself and with my clients, and also just recently, as recent as this week when I was hosting a journaling session for the Leaders Table, where successful women and ambitious go-getter problem-solving women

Mistake stillness for safety. What I mean by that is that we set a goal and then we usually come up with how to achieve it. This is like the problem solving phase and we get into that brainstorm session and then we start working towards it or we just plan it out to a T until there can't be anything else planned and then we either start working towards it but we don't achieve it.

or we keep overthinking something like a part of it, or we just stay in the same place for a long time. When this happens, it's not because we're not motivated to achieve it or that we don't really want it. We do, we want to achieve this goal or to feel that way or to become this version of ourselves or this way, this thing. And so it's not like an inspiration or discipline thing because

Again, the type of woman that sets goals, we are motivated and disciplined in all of these things. What it normally comes down to, I find, is that it's because we really do want this thing badly, but at the same time, there's something that's keeping us safe or comfortable. So wherever we are now, it feels comfy cozy. And oftentimes, it's subconscious.

Because the reason that we're setting this goal is because where we are now doesn't feel great. But underneath it, there's something really comforting about it. So just a quick example before we get into the journaling. And this is just a personal example, is I wanted to have less screen time for my son Griffin, specifically around dinnertime and bedtime. That's the goal that I've been working towards.

And I came up with a plan for this where right now we come home from school and we play. And then I turn on the TV when I'm cooking dinner. And honestly, the TV stays on through bath time, basically. And so my plan was like, OK, I'm going to have some books available. I'm going to give him options of toys to play with, all of these things. And even with that plan, I kept playing.

pushing off the goal of no screen time. Like I not following through. I never turned off the TV. In fact, I kept forgetting almost if like I would end the day and be like, ⁓ darn, I forgot to read the book or I forgot to turn off the TV or something. was just, it was like, I realized that even though I so badly wanted to have better screen habits for my son and

calmer evenings for him and me, something was keeping me where I was. Something was keeping me safe, which was out of our routine, of him watching TV while I cooked dinner and enduring dinner and couch time is what we call it after bath time and all of that. And so I questioned that safety because I also was frustrated. I'm like, why can I not do this? Why am I not following through?

And I realized that I was afraid that by saying no screen time or screen free time, Griffin, or time to turn off the TV, I was afraid by saying that and by implementing a new rule that it would cause a meltdown. And that would mean it would be more energy for me to then manage a meltdown. And even if there was no meltdown, Griffin is

just now starting independent play. And so oftentimes if the TV is not on, I need to be the one to initiate play with him. And so subconsciously, I think I knew if the TV is off, I can't do dishes, I can't be cooking, I can't do anything for me, I will be playing with him. And so it felt good to have the TV on. Again, even though I didn't want it on,

I also did. And so no wonder I kept procrastinating. And just another real quick example, as I said in the beginning, I hosted the Leaders Table Belief Breakthrough Call earlier this week. And one of the members, Ashley, had a realization about the same sort of thing around safety and comfort. She came into our call and she said that she wants growth for her house cleaning business and

super proud of her because she hired her first employee and it's going really well, but she's afraid to fail. She even said, I know that I would never let myself fail, but she feels like by hiring someone on her team, she's risking failure by giving that, by trusting that person with a part of her business. And so her real fear was losing clients and potentially money if she can't count on her team.

And so even though she wanted growth and has started to grow, what was keeping her safe subconsciously was thinking that she is already earning enough. She doesn't have to grow. Almost like what I was picking up on was the, should be grateful energy. And so that's what she was journaling about. And in the same breath, she realized that that's not actually keeping her safe.

Because when she does earn more money, and since earning more money in her business, her relationship with her husband has actually improved. And she's able to do more with more money. And so she kind of contradicted herself, which is the beauty of journaling. Once you slow down and allow yourself the space to question things, you have these realizations. And so she realized, wait, I was trying to keep myself safe by not hiring, but this

that was keeping me safe isn't actually keeping me safe. It's stunting it. So today we are diving into this pattern because once you can see the safety, your comfort zone, once you can name exactly what staying stuck is giving you, it loses its grip and you can't unsee it. And that's where you can actually start to change and inch towards actually achieving the goal that you want.

whether it be in business or in your personal life. So if you have been sitting on a decision, staying comfortable, even though it's draining that sort of situation or fearing success or failure, these are your three prompts to get you to see your not so safe belief that's been keeping you stuck and right where you are. All right, let's dive in.

Prompt number one.

What is the one thing that you keep circling back to but haven't fully committed to yet? What is it that you want to feel, create, or do? And if you're undecided, you're in that space where you're not sure, take a minute here just to take a few breaths and dream a little bit about what your dream day would look or feel like.

prompt to. If you fully committed to your decision or to the vision for your future or what you wanted, what are you afraid of? Or what do you think you would be risking?

Prompt three, if you didn't commit to your decision or you just stayed unintentional, claiming it might get better or easier or a sign will happen sooner than later, just kind of wishy washy, what feels safe and comfy cozy about where you are right now?

Amazing job. And I really want you to sit with prompt number three and what your comforting belief is or that state. Maybe there's something about staying busy that you hate, right? You want this peaceful, simple, calm life, but at the same time, staying busy means that you're needed or it means that you don't have to sit with any uncomfortable feelings.

or the question of, what do I really want? Or maybe busy just feels more familiar than free. So those are the things that busyness is giving you. So whatever came up for you in prompt number three is valid. And just recognizing it like you did today is the first step, again, to releasing its grip so that you can actually move closer to what you want. Because...

Once you can see what staying comfortable is actually giving you, that's when you get to decide if it's worth it. And usually, it's not. Because going back to my example with Griffin, I realized that that comfort of, well, if the TV is on, then I'm not needed, essentially. That doesn't feel worth it to me. I would rather implement the boundary.

and have a more regulated nervous system for myself and my son. And what's so beautiful, one of the steps of how I help my clients through this is eventually, this isn't the very next step, but eventually doing the thing, setting the boundary and witnessing the reaction. And Griffin actually enjoys screen free time. Not always, but there are some days where he, or I'll say Griffin, it's time to turn off the TV and immediately he turns it off.

And my jaw drops to the floor every time, like, wait, there is no fight? And he told my mom over the weekend that we do screen free time and he loves it. And there was another time that it was during screen free time and he got out his own construction paper and wanted help with how to write screen free time. And he started writing his own list of things that he could do during that time, which was just like, wow, what was I so afraid of? And so.

Whatever's coming up for you, that's where you can decide, is this something that's worth protecting or is it just costing me more than risking it ever would? Whether that risk is something small like turning off the TV or the risk of hiring a new employee or saying something bold to your boss or to your partner. And so that is what I hope that you get from today is that

sometimes staying where you are and understanding that subconscious belief usually is just familiar and Moving through it doesn't have to be another plan another problem solving is just taking the time to get honest about how you feel and what's actually keeping you here, so I am so proud of you Thank you for journaling with me to keep digging into this sort of work. Feel free to book a breakthrough intensive with me

Or if you are local to Western New York and you're an established business owner or in a management position or executive role, click the link in the show notes to check out the leaders table. We do journaling like this once a month on our belief breakthrough call. All right. Thank you guys for tuning in and I will see you next week.